Finding My Inner Beauty: My Struggle with Self-Image

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”  ~Thich Nhat Hanh~

Self-image.  This is something that I struggle with.  I am slowly getting better with loving, and being comfortable in my skin.  I have always been overweight, I've always been the nerd.  It's not the nerd label that I've always had the issue with - I've above and beyond accepted my nerdiness, and will not change for anyone.  It is the overweight label that I've struggled with since I was a kid.  Bullies have been a common staple in my life - snide comments, questions of if I should or shouldn't eat something, and many other things have impacted me on levels that I've only recently learned. 

In sixth grade, I was bullied incessantly mainly because that was the year that I got my first pair of glasses.  So, not only was I fat, but I was the fat girl with glasses.  I recall one day, it was actually the day that it ended when I was bullied and demeaned so much that I burst into tears in the cafeteria at school.  The principle or dean had called him out on his behavior - yes, it was a boy, and no the old adage about 'he likes you if he picks on you' does not apply to this situation.  He had to publicly apologize to me and ended up receiving a two week in-school suspension, with a threat of suspension if his behavior continued. 

The bullying did not happen much during high school, but there were select instances - none that were as pronounced or memorable as that day in sixth grade.  I'd actually managed to get along with quite a few people at both the high schools I attended - and my nerddom continued throughout.  I was in various clubs and my friends were fantastic and helped boost my self-esteem and my self-image.  I even enjoyed going to things like homecoming and prom, because I felt good about myself.  The ups never lasted long though.  Depression sucks.  Being fat and hating the body you are in is something all together not a good thing. 

Looking back over the years I can mark the highs and lows, the happiness and the disgust at what I looked like.  Yes, there were boyfriends - not many because I was the heavy girl, and fat girls didn't usually get the guy.  But, the ones I got were decent enough, and treated me well enough (with exceptions) and the breakups weren't always my fault but thinking that I hadn't been enough, done enough was constantly a battle in my head when I was in and out of relationships in high school. 

Then, i went to college.  Enter the two girls that had turned out to be two of the biggest bullies that I'd -ever- experienced and I was stuck living with them for my freshman year. Things were well and good the summer before school started, and we even hung out - they even came to a P!nk concert with me at the House of Blues, however, when they learned part of who I was, they became slanderous and malicious toward me - and would constantly post rude and derogatory remarks on my message board outside our dorm room.  I ended up taking refuge with a few friends and ultimately found a way out of that room and into a room where I was accepted for who I was, and helped me deal with the bullying that had come from my first college roommates.  There was a time when I'd considered not coming back to school, because I'd had to deal with so much, but thankfully it did not perpetuate beyond that one semester - and once I was in a 'safer' room it made things easier and I enjoyed the remainder of my college experience. 

Finding people that accepted me for who I was, what I was, was something that hadn't happened since my little group in High School, and I enjoyed the fact that there were people that I could simply be myself with.  It was through college, that I learned to further be more accepting of who I was, it made the struggle easier.  It didn't end it entirely, but it was easier to bear the challenges.

To say that I have found the place where I am truly happy with myself, would be a lie.  But, to say that I am pleased with where I am now, would be accurate (though my employment situation needs to improve).  I have been progressively losing weight, health issues are getting better because of it and I am working on finding a place that will make me happier all around.

Touch of Pagan: Litha - Summer Solstice

As always I preface this, with my usual statement.  You know my beliefs are those of many different religions.  There is no one religion that I practice, but pull from multiple to shape my beliefs.  If you cannot create a positive dialogue, and wish to bash or berate me for my beliefs, you will not be welcome here.

Today is a half-way point in the wheel of the year.  It is the celebration of the summer solstice, the first day of Summer (though, as I live in Florida - summer's been here a while already).  Litha, as today is often referred to is the ancient Germanic word for summer.  This is the time when the Sun God is believed to be at His strongest.  The Sun God is also known as the God of the Forest, and is often depicted seated on a throne of green wood.  It is ultimately from this, that the modern version of the Green Man has come about.  Also, during the merging of Christianity and Paganism, many visages of the Sun God wearing a mask of leaves were included in the architecture of early churches.  So, this is His day.

The themes of Litha are: sex, love, creativity, energy, luck, health and wishes.  

This is the time of year when, had I the means, would be gathering herbs and beginning the drying process. Why? Because this is the day that the herbs are the most potent when it comes to their magical properties.  Roots are to be gathered as the moon wanes and leaves and flower as the moon waxes.  Waiting too long after the solistice the herbs will begin to seed and lose potency.  Also, after each gathering or using any part of Mother Nature's resources, I thank the plant, and remember our debt to Mother Earth and Her children.

Had I the means, I would be performing my own Litha ritual, but as I'm still in the process of building my altar and acquiring things (as budget allows), and I am not near a spring (that is within easy walking distance).  I would be writing down a wish or perhaps two, adding them to my Litha inspired offering, such as a stone, feather or small flower.  Once that was done, I would meditate on the wish, keeping it focused in my mind and filled the offering with my meditation, it would be tossed with intention into the spring, or cauldron.  Once the spell was completed,ultimately the content of the cauldron would be emptied into a spring or other moving body of water.  As everything within the cauldron would be natural and not harmful to the environment, no harm would be done.

Here are some useful items for use on the Summer Solstice for your celebrations: 

Herbs:  Basil, chamomile, daisy, elder, pine, St. John's wort, tyme, yarrow, frankincense, fennel, lavender, and lily

Essential Oils/Incense: Frankincense, lemon, lavender, sandalwood, lotus, jasmine, rose, wisteria, and myrrh

Colors: yellow, white, red, blue, green, tan

Decoration: anything reminiscent of the sun, dried herbs, potpourri, fruits, summer flowers

Gemstones: Any green stone.

Foods: Mead, fresh fruits and veggies, lemonade, cookies and cakes decorated to honor the Sun, and of course plenty of ale.

Spellwork: Any maigck, but is especially beneficial for Animal Protection and Marriage & Vow Renewal spells.

Recipes and stuff: Can be found at the following link -  Litha Recipes

Touch of Buddhism...Wonderful Precepts

So, I've stated more than once, that my beliefs are a mix of a variety of religions, and Buddhism is one that I borrow my beliefs from and enjoy greatly.  These are the Wonderful Precepts of Buddhism.  I share them with you, to know what it is that I have drawn into that part of who I am.  Comment, questions, concerns? 

Namaste
Martha

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1. Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I vow to cultivate compassion and to learn the ways of protecting the lives of people, animals and plants. I am determined not to kill, not tolet others kill, and not to condone any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, and in my way of life.

2. Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing and oppression, I vow to cultivate loving-kindness and learn ways to work for the well-being of people, animals and plants. I vow to practice generosity by sharing my time, energy, and material resources with those who are in real need. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others. I will respect the property of others, but I will do everything in my power to prevent others from human suffering of other species.

3. Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I vow to cultivate my responsibility and learn ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families and society. I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and long-term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am determined to respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to protect families from being broken by sexual misconduct.

4. Aware of suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to the suffering of others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or bring suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully, with words that can inspire self confidence, joy and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain, and not to criticize or condemn things I am not sure of . I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I willmake every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, even small.

5. Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I vow to cultivate good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming. I vow to ingest only items that preserve peace, well-being and joy in my body, in my consciousness, and in the collective body and consciousness of my family and society. I am determined not to use alcohol or any other intoxicants, or to ingest foods or other items that contain toxins, such as certain T.V. programs, magazines, books, films and conversations. I am aware that to damage my body and my consciousness with these poisons is to betray my ancestors, my pafrents, my society, and future generations. I will work to transform violence, fear, anger, and confusion by practicing a diet for myself and for society. I understand that a proper diet is crucial for self-transformation, and for the transformation of society.