Radio Silence - Broken

Since the last time I have written here quite a bit has happened.  Including in the ushering in of not one, but two new years.  The last two years have not entirely been easy for me, nor have they been completely without hope or bright spots.  Even in the dark, I manage to find some light to cling to in hopes that I do not get swallowed by the hate, negativity, and other malevolent forces that have laid claim to my life at the time. 

I have spent the last few weeks in a bit of retrospect I have learned that I am not devoting enough time to myself.  I give more of myself to others than I truly have at times.  I have been neglecting my passions: writing, photography, and moments of simple indulgence.  I don't do things for myself any more because I have been seeing them as things that aren't important and the resources for those things are more often than not redirected to things for others.  So I have felt completely drained when I should be allowing myself moments to recharge and indulge in me alone.  

I am an avid reader, and I have been attempting to keep up with my review blog, and that has been going well.  Aside from a few slips and a couple of weeks where I have not posted anything save for things that I had committed myself to.  I am behind on reviews, I am behind on quite a few things.  It is time that I stop making excuses and start getting things done that I need to get done.  I am the only one that can be held accountable for the promises that I make.  

Perhaps I take too much on to myself, I have an inability to say no.  I need to learn to use that word a bit more to others and saying yes to myself a bit more.  I need to restart my meditation time, be it in the shower with music blaring, or laying in my bed thirty minutes before bed to center myself and ensure that I am in the right headspace for when I wake in the morning and I can continue to live my life in a way that benefits everyone and especially me.  

In the last six months, I have also become a member at a Christian church.  As you know from reading this blog, I was raised Catholic and ultimately my belief system is much more diverse and cannot be laid claim to a singular label.  I pull from a variety of sources for my spirituality and I am as of yet, finding myself connected with this group of people - however there is quite a bit about me that this group does not know.  

I am a proud member of the LGBT community, and I do not adhere to the views that homosexuality is a sin.  We were all created in the image of a loving deity, and no mater who or what we are...we are loved and adored. 

I need to remember the following things this year and in the years to come: 

1. It is okay to say no

2. I am loved

3. I am allowed me time

4. I cannot solve all the problems

These are just a few of the things I need to remember, but they are by far some of the most important of them.  

Much Neglected Space

Unfortunately both this blog and my book review blog have been sorely neglected the second half of this year, and I cannot exactly say why, other than I've been stressed beyond words with how things are going at the moment.  Financial responsibilities have more often than not made me wish for the days of college where I had very little financial responsibilities and spent most of my time actually enjoying what I was doing and the people I was with. 

At the moment there is no net, cable, telephone at the house simply because at the moment there isn't enough money to cover the cost of everything and ensure that the lights stay on and there is food on the table.  Work has been screwing around on my hours, and that simply adds to the stress when I am not making enough money to simply survive (though doing that on the paultry sum that fast food service pays is laughable), and so things have fallen by the wayside.  On top of all that, I have found myself in need of a cell phone, because smart phones, much like buttered toast, when you drop them land face first and when they land on the concrete, that tends to mean your screen now looks like a stained glass window - and is now a deadly weapon that targets the pads of your thumbs and index fingers alike when you text, answer calls, or do anything that even remotely requires you to touch the face of your phone.

However, on that note, I will have a new phone on the 17th of this month, and I will have the absolute JOY of downloading all my apps and hyper-organizing my phone.  My phone, my Kindle, and my computer are the major things that I tend to hyper-organize simply because those are the three things that I use most often on a daily basis.  Everything is exactly how I want it and when new things are added they are put in a specific place and that ensures that I can find it quickly and easily enough.

That just leaves the matter of finding enough money to find a net provider in our area that sucks a lot less than Comcast does.  While it would be beneficial to have a land line phone, it isn't actually a necessity any longer as we have 3 cell phones in the house.  However, at this time I doubt it would be something we can afford at this time.  We are also considering an alternative to cable in the form of something along the lines of Chromecast or Amazon TV.  The Amazon one would be optimal especially since we currently and continually support a prime membership for the benefits that it offers us, even though we very rarely order things from Amazon.

I got to spend time with a very good friend last night after work, and it was something that was needed as well as sorely missed.  Her blog is Random Thoughts and Jots, and I highly recommend checking her out.  I've known her for going on 15 years now, if not a bit more, she's been there for me for most of the things that have gone wrong, and I love her like a sister.  Her life hasn't been easy lately either, and we've both been muddling through it and trying to make the most of the absolutely crappy hand we've been dealt thus far. 

So far, 2014 is not ending on a high note, however there are still quite a few days left and hopefully something will begin to turn around for both me and my best friend, Jessie.  If not this year, then hopefully we will both find something better, something more fulfilling in 2015. 

And this is my update for the time being, and I wish all of you warmth and happiness.

Namaste,

Martha

Finding My Inner Beauty: My Struggle with Self-Image

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”  ~Thich Nhat Hanh~

Self-image.  This is something that I struggle with.  I am slowly getting better with loving, and being comfortable in my skin.  I have always been overweight, I've always been the nerd.  It's not the nerd label that I've always had the issue with - I've above and beyond accepted my nerdiness, and will not change for anyone.  It is the overweight label that I've struggled with since I was a kid.  Bullies have been a common staple in my life - snide comments, questions of if I should or shouldn't eat something, and many other things have impacted me on levels that I've only recently learned. 

In sixth grade, I was bullied incessantly mainly because that was the year that I got my first pair of glasses.  So, not only was I fat, but I was the fat girl with glasses.  I recall one day, it was actually the day that it ended when I was bullied and demeaned so much that I burst into tears in the cafeteria at school.  The principle or dean had called him out on his behavior - yes, it was a boy, and no the old adage about 'he likes you if he picks on you' does not apply to this situation.  He had to publicly apologize to me and ended up receiving a two week in-school suspension, with a threat of suspension if his behavior continued. 

The bullying did not happen much during high school, but there were select instances - none that were as pronounced or memorable as that day in sixth grade.  I'd actually managed to get along with quite a few people at both the high schools I attended - and my nerddom continued throughout.  I was in various clubs and my friends were fantastic and helped boost my self-esteem and my self-image.  I even enjoyed going to things like homecoming and prom, because I felt good about myself.  The ups never lasted long though.  Depression sucks.  Being fat and hating the body you are in is something all together not a good thing. 

Looking back over the years I can mark the highs and lows, the happiness and the disgust at what I looked like.  Yes, there were boyfriends - not many because I was the heavy girl, and fat girls didn't usually get the guy.  But, the ones I got were decent enough, and treated me well enough (with exceptions) and the breakups weren't always my fault but thinking that I hadn't been enough, done enough was constantly a battle in my head when I was in and out of relationships in high school. 

Then, i went to college.  Enter the two girls that had turned out to be two of the biggest bullies that I'd -ever- experienced and I was stuck living with them for my freshman year. Things were well and good the summer before school started, and we even hung out - they even came to a P!nk concert with me at the House of Blues, however, when they learned part of who I was, they became slanderous and malicious toward me - and would constantly post rude and derogatory remarks on my message board outside our dorm room.  I ended up taking refuge with a few friends and ultimately found a way out of that room and into a room where I was accepted for who I was, and helped me deal with the bullying that had come from my first college roommates.  There was a time when I'd considered not coming back to school, because I'd had to deal with so much, but thankfully it did not perpetuate beyond that one semester - and once I was in a 'safer' room it made things easier and I enjoyed the remainder of my college experience. 

Finding people that accepted me for who I was, what I was, was something that hadn't happened since my little group in High School, and I enjoyed the fact that there were people that I could simply be myself with.  It was through college, that I learned to further be more accepting of who I was, it made the struggle easier.  It didn't end it entirely, but it was easier to bear the challenges.

To say that I have found the place where I am truly happy with myself, would be a lie.  But, to say that I am pleased with where I am now, would be accurate (though my employment situation needs to improve).  I have been progressively losing weight, health issues are getting better because of it and I am working on finding a place that will make me happier all around.